Regrets
by lakergirl4life
Summary: Brenda reflects on her relationship with Jason over the years and wonders how it would be different...if... Brazen


"This isn't about Sonny," Brenda said.

"Then what - " Jason paused and shook his head, wondering if he'd ever be able to understand Brenda's motives. Just when he thought he understood her a little she'd go and do something completely unexpected - just like she did tonight. "Then what is it about?"

Brenda looked at Jason for a few moments, wondering how they got to this place. So much had changed since they had first met. She'd been an impossible spoiled brat and he was the perfect son. But somehow they'd become friends and almost something more, but the accident changed that. An intense hatred for each other replaced the close friendship that they once shared, but somehow they'd found a way to trust each other. " I - " Brenda paused and shook her head. "Never mind. I'll see you in the morning. I think I'm going to take a hot bath. Night." Brenda got up and quickly walked upstairs and as soon as she entered her bedroom she closed the door and locked the door behind her. She knew that she hadn't really needed to lock her door, Jason would never enter her room without knocking. But for whatever reason, she needed to have that extra barrier between them.

Jason watched Brenda go upstairs and wondered what had changed in the past two minutes. She'd been about ready to say something but she'd stopped herself - and that was something he wasn't used to. He wasn't used to Brenda censoring herself, she always fully disclosed whatever she was thinking, regardless of whether or not he wanted to hear it. He'd given her every opportunity to leave tonight and she hadn't taken it. He wasn't used to having someone stand by him like that. Jason sighed and sat down on the couch.

* * *

Brenda finished pouring her bubble bath, then climbed in the tub. She sank into the water and leaned her head back on her bath pillow. It had been about ten years since she'd first moved to Port Charles and that's when she first met Jason. She'd been attracted to him from the moment she saw him, but didn't think they were each other's type. They had formed a friendship and became even closer friends when they were both dumped by their respective partners. There had been so many instances following that when they could've been something more. Brenda wondered how different her life would be if she hadn't said no to Jason that night on the beach. Her life would be so drastically different. Brenda laughed, "We'd probably really be married," Brenda whispered. She slid underwater for a few seconds and pushed her hair off her face as she resurfaced.

Everything in her life would be so different if she hadn't repeatedly told Jason that she just wanted to be friends with him. She'd honestly been attracted to him, but the thought of being with him scared her. She'd been hurt so much as a child and her coping mechanism was to keep people at arms' length so she wouldn't get hurt. Eventually she changed her mind and started letting people in, but she just let in the wrong people. Both of their lives would be so different if they had let themselves fall in love with each other all those years ago. She never would've been involved with Sonny or Jax or Luis.

Who knows what would've happened with Jason. She couldn't help but wonder if the accident would've happened if she'd been involved with Jason, not Keesha. AJ had never really seen her as anything but Jason's friend. But she'd also gotten the feeling that AJ saw her as Jason's girlfriend even though she wasn't. The tension that existed between Jason, Keesha and AJ just didn't exist between her and the two brothers. Maybe Jason would've become a doctor and she would've become a society wife or maybe the accident was inevitable, but who knows. Maybe their love would've been enough to sustain them through that difficult period. She had no clue if Jason still would've gone to work for Sonny if they'd been together.

Brenda blinked back tears as she thought about the work that Jason did. He was by far the most honorable man that she knew and it didn't bother her that he killed people. She knew that Jason wasn't a ruthless killer and he killed to protect the people he cared about. But it bothered her that he had to carry that on his conscience.

Over the years, fate had thrown her and Jason together on countless occasions but they'd never acted on those impulses. She couldn't count the number of opportunities she'd had to turn her relationship with Jason into something more. It could've happened when they were in high school or that first semester when they were both at PCU. It even could've happened after the accident and the most logical point in time for it to happen would've been after the plane crash. The two of them had been stranded together and had to fight not only for their lives but for the each others lives. Their relationship had slowly turned back into friendship, but then fate dealt her another cruel hand when she went over the cliff with her mother.

She knew that she could've contacted Jason after her car accident and he would've come to get her. She had wanted to call Sonny but he wasn't around and strangely she didn't want to contact Jax. She had thought about calling Jason a few times but there had been something that always stopped her. But the window of opportunity where she could've gotten out of that situation was quickly closed. Luis wasn't crazy in the beginning. It hadn't been until she started dating him that he'd slowly become obsessed with her. This whole situation she was in right now could've been avoided if she'd returned to Port Charles after her car accident. Luis wouldn't have kept her prisoner on a yacht and plotted to kill Sonny and Jax. She wouldn't be trapped in this farce of a marriage to Jason, while they were on trial for a murder that they didn't commit.

She hated that Jason was in this situation because of her. She'd tried so hard to not hurt the people that she cared about and regardless of the animosity between the two of them, she cared about him. Sometimes when he looked at her, she could see traces of her lost friend in his eyes, but that's all they were - traces. She knew that Jason Quartermaine was gone and she no longer wished for him to magically come back. She had to accept that he was gone.

Jason closed his eyes for a few moments and leaned his head back on the sofa. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. The trial was really starting to take his toll on him. When he agreed to marry Brenda, he thought knew that he had promised to protect her and look after her until the day she died, but he'd never imagined that she wouldn't be sick and they'd be bound together for legal purposes.

Brenda shivered as she realized that the water in the tub had become cold and her bubbles had disappeared a while ago. She pulled the drain and turned on the hot water again so she could rinse off.

* * *

Jason stood outside Brenda's door for a few minutes, debating on whether or not he should knock. It was completely out of character for Brenda to not say anything. Jason shook his head and started to head towards his bedroom when Brenda's door opened.

"Jason - wait," Brenda said and pulled her robe tighter.

"Yeah," Jason said. "I was just - "

Brenda rubbed her towel over her hair, "Do you have a minute?" Brenda asked.

THE END


End file.
